Om Nom Nom

As it turns out, I probably will not have time during the week to put stuff up. Ignore that schedule. Awesome. So here is that food article now.

-Anthony

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Om Nom Nom

When everyone was small, they put things in their mouths that they shouldn’t. Marbles. Grass. Ants. Markers. Other people’s fingers (in a very exploratory and non-cannibalistic way). Although people mature and learn that this is not very beneficial, the curiosity does not fade. A sense of adventure is necessary to live a meaningful life. For those who do not have the resources to go on outrageous excursions, the kitchen is an extraordinary place for thrill and human fulfillment.

Because of this urge for excitement, I tried lobster for the first time this past summer in New England. The reason why it took 21 years for me to taste fresh lobster is still unknown. Maybe because I don’t like my meals to stare at me.

What I discovered is that lobster is one the most overrated and ego-bloated animals in existence. Not to infringe on late writer David Foster Wallace’s territory, specifically “Consider the Lobster”. His longwinded journalistic investigation into the morality of the Maine Lobster Festival was an inspiration but this distaste extends from personal experience. This being said, lobsters are better off left pathetically moping around on the ocean floor or whatever it is they do down there.

Despite my lack of lobstorial experience, I did have some knowledge prior to dining. For instance, according to David, lobsters feel the blistering pain of boiling water once they are lowered into pots. However, they do not have the part of the brain that gives them emotions about said pain. They all lack the mental capacity for sheer horror that a human would have in the same situation. May he rest in peace. David, that is. Not our metaphorical lobster. The lobster can boil in hell forever for all I care.

Once they are cooked, they are sometimes served in their entirety and preyed upon with utensils specifically designed to dissect its pretentious shell. Lobster is far too much work for something that tastes like chewy butter with a tinge of salt water. It must be a status thing then. I suppose devouring a full creature that looks like some sort of dinosaur-bug does feel a bit more masculine than ordering shrimp scampi, but this turns a pleasant evening out into a prawn-measuring contest. Despite the fact that a person may have paid a lot for this creature, it still remains practically impossible to look cool in a bib.

Satisfaction and exhilaration from food must then come from a different source other than the wallet. Let’s examine how one can possibly get their culinary rocks off when money is not an issue.

Fugu- raw blowfish. People will pay more than lobster to put this Japanese delicacy in their mouths knowing very well that it may kill them. Only seventeen restaurants in the United States have chefs that are certified to prepare it, twelve of which are in New York City. There is an art to surgically slicing the fish so the surprise inside is removed (we’ll get to that in a second). The apprenticeship to learning this takes roughly three years and still people die every year from poisoning. It is not perfect.

A simulation: The next time you eat, imagine that whatever it is might contain a fun substance called tetrodotoxin. This could enter your body sneakily during dinner and slowly start paralyzing things. First, your mouth will feel quite numb. You’ll drool all over yourself. Then you may puke. Next you will not be able to move. As the poison strolls through your limp and terrified body, it would eventually find your lungs and leisurely make them not work. Suffocation. The whole thing takes an hour or two and most people remain completely conscious for the entire process. Puffer fish meat is brimming with tetrodotoxin. Imagine the excitement of chance at dinner now.

Some genetic scientists have bred a species of puffer fish that does not have tetrodotoxin in its flesh. How horribly boring. The whole point of eating fugu is that it can kill you. The rush from staring death in the face from across the dinner table is more than enough to entice people. No other meal can really provide this service. If you don’t drool and die on the way home then I suppose you have a great story for the grandkids.

But just like that, the thrill of blowfish is gone. Great. You survived. Now what? Do it again? No, it will just be boring and kind of sad. Its like playing Russian roulette, only two outcomes. No one wants to press his or her luck that much. Something needs to be done to satisfy this craving for adventure but really, nothing compares to fugu. Legally. There is always the black market where anyone can buy endangered species prepared the way the customer sees fit. Panda steaks. Bald Eagle sausage. Wash it down with environmentalists’ tears. Or maybe you prefer Chinese wine made from tiger corpses.

“Virtually all the tigers from the Guilin farm end up at a winery 100 miles to the north, their carcasses dumped in huge vats of rice wine and left to rot for up to nine years.” reporter Danny Penman explains. A small zoo in Guilin, China sold this wine along with tiger and bear meat. Their cover story was that they were a tiger rehab center and would eventually set the animals free. They were really just setting the tiger’s flavor free by complimenting the taste with ginger and soy sauce. Penman, a reporter for the British daily news periodical Daily Mail, visited this facility in 2007. He writes: “Tigers and other endangered species are being reared on an industrial scale throughout China, despite international treaties forbidding this. The Mail discovered three factory farms breeding tigers in China. The Guilin farm alone has 1,300 tigers, including the incredibly rare and elusive Siberian sub-species.” Delicious.

Don’t worry. Usually humans did not kill these captive tigers unless of course some government suit was in town and they needed fresh meat. They died naturally- in fights when they were accidentally put in the same tiny cage and fought to the death. Oops. Sometimes they have more of a chance. Zoo-goers can pay to see a killing show were they release a few tigers with one cow. Hilarity ensues. In this veritable thunderdome, several animals enter, one leaves... where it will probably be killed for wine within the same month anyway.

Another inside look from that snitch Penman: “The Chinese believe that the tiger's strength passes into the wine as its body decomposes. They also believe that it is a powerful medicine that wards off arthritis, strengthens bones and acts as a general tonic.” Plus a bottle of it goes for around 45 US dollars, which is cheaper than lobster at some high-end restaurants. Nutritious and affordable. Unfortunately, underground places like this are being shut down worldwide, leaving people sick of lobster and blowfish with little options left. What is there to turn to now? The answer is culturally upsetting yet quite plausible.

People often forget how edible they are. Cannibalism is a viable means for sustenance. Not surprisingly, it is quite difficult to find nutritional facts for human flesh on the internet, search engines mostly returned survival stories. There was an article about that one woman who put her husband’s severed finger in her chili at Wendy’s, which then prompted me to search for human meat recipes.

You didn’t think that we would eat it raw, did you? We aren’t barbarians. We are cultured people who eat fugu at premier sushi restaurants and drink only the finest tiger wines.

Upon searching, there were some but very few recipes for people that I came across but one personal website gave quite a detailed account. This person said that human meat is very similar to pork and that anyone interested should just use related recipes. Curious.

The next obvious example would be along the lines of the Donner Party, Hannibal Lector, or serial killer/human meat enthusiast Jeffery Dahmer, etc. I present to you something better. The story of Antron Singleton also known as rapper Big Lurch, as told by Reuters. The reason why you haven’t heard of him is because he’s serving life in prison because he killed his girlfriend in 2003 and ate one of her lungs, the same lung that could have been subtly strangled by tetrodotoxin if Big Lurch made it big and moved to New York City. Tests show that he was high on PCP when he did it. Here is where the plot thickens and becomes ironically humorous. Apparently, his record label wanted him to have a more “gangsta” (Reuters words, not mine) appearance and they gave him the drugs. This turns this whole cannibalistic fiasco into eating something to gain status, much like millions of people do with the lobster. And the cherry on top? His record label was Death Row Records.

What else can be said other than humans are curious creatures? However it is illegal to act upon some of these curiosities, but it is perfectly acceptable to wonder. It’s within who we are. Exploration is part of what it means to live. All people are human and should therefore act like it and experience what this life has to offer. It is a modest proposal and relatively easy to pursue. So go forth with an open mind and explore. Just be careful. Some things have poison in them.