An Open Letter to Akihito, the Emperor of Japan

Apologies for not posting something immediately: I have been computerless for a while. However I did have my notebook that I have been sketching things down in like usual. At first, I began to write a heavy, personal piece scrutinizing my current self after analyzing my earlier childhood but after looking at the posts so far, I figured that perhaps something lighter was in order. That piece will come eventually, when it feels right. This week will not be so deep. I want you to smile. I want me to smile.

So in the spirit of this, I will make two posts tonight, both open letters. This first one some of you may have seen before but the second one is new. This one I wrote at the very beginning of this year as a pep-talk of sorts for the people of the world because it was the start of a new decade and all the news was talking about was the usual doom and gloom. Network news is the worst.

Oh, and keep in mind that this was written in January so try and remember the news references. It shouldn't be that difficult but if you need help, raise your hand and wait for me to come to your desk.

-Anthony

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January 6, 2010


Dear Akihito,

Hi. My name is Anthony and I live in the United States of America, more specifically, Louisville, Kentucky. You may have heard of it. We produce baseball bats and we do that horse-racing-derby-thing every year. That's about it. But it's home and I like it.

I do not wish to be formal within this letter. Although I have great respect for you, your position, your lineage, and your country, you are not my leader and I am not your subject. All you are to me is another person on this planet. Earthen brethren. Another human being who eats and sleeps and struggles like the rest of us, and in that, we have our humanity in common. I will speak to you like I speak to everyone else because we are all born as equals. No offense, that's just how I feel.

To the point: I have a question. It's about Wii. Now before you get angry and have me killed, hear me out. I'll explain the problem, ask my question, and then explain why I came to you first. There is a good reason, I promise. It's not some racist joke. "Oh, all Japanese people know everything about technology, maybe this Akihito dude can help me." I'm better than that. Although, you probably own a Wii. Who wouldn't? Wii Tennis and Mario Kart are fun as shit; you should be proud it's from the country you rule. I would be.

Anyway, my sister got one for christmas this year and we hooked it up and everything and it looks all nice and shiny and stuff. Here's the problem. We connected it to the internet in our house and ever since then, it flashes blue constantly like its loading something. Sounds normal, right? Well, it does this while the machine is OFF. Here's the question: What the fuck is it doing and should I be concerned? Is it updating? Is it talking to other Wiis? Is it getting instructions from Mother Nintendo? It's obviously communicating with something somewhere.

I figured I should come to you for this instead of Nintendo. As somewhat of a nerd, I've seen my fair share of sci-fi movies where machines stage a revolt (e.g. "Terminator","Virus", "I Robot", "2001", even "G-Force" had some) and I thought that if Nintendo was planning something, they would just give me the runaround and then have the Wii murder me and my extended family that night while I slept. As a person in the highest position of power, if you were not aware of this, may this letter be a warning for whatever Nintendo is up to. If it's nothing, then great, no harm done. I'd rather be safe than sorry. If something is up and you are aware of it, or even implicated, I suppose there is nothing I can do to stop you. At least have the decency to let me know I'm right.

The whole thing has a huge Asimov-feel to it. The Wii just sits there with its brooding, plotting light, electrically mocking my mortality. If something does happen though, Hollywood predicts that Will Smith will take care of it. I'm not sure if i want the same person who wrote "Gettin' Jiggy With It" saving humanity.

But should I be concerned? You do not have to let me know your plans, just a simple "yes" or "no". I suppose the real question is should I buy some guns and hide somewhere in a mountain bunker? These are hard times, not just for America, but for the entire world. I don't have to tell you this, you are a leader. But America has been getting the shit end of the stick these past few years. Not to say we haven't instigated a little, but our morale is constantly under attack. As a citizen with no political say-so except once every four years, and granted, without Secret Service agents trained to take bullets for me, I feel scared sometimes. The followers of the world are open to every malicious infliction, and as long as people exist, there will be attacks. It sucks but that's what makes us human. Some people are out of their fucking minds and the rest of us have to stay suspicious and deal with it. Just look at these past few weeks for us. Yemen has it out for us for some reason and for some other strange reason, people recently really want to blow up planes. It really sucks. I haven't figured out whether or not these terrorists hate America or just Detroit's airport.

It hasn't even been a week into 2010 and already crazy shit has been happening. No one can agree on our health care program, Glenn Beck is chalking up pseudo-bravery in rednecks all across our country, CIA agents are being killed by double agents, yoga classes are breeding cults (whatever the fuck that means, I may have dreamed that), Google's making phones now, and according to CNN, apparently the g-spot is still a myth (http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/05/g.spot.sex.women/index.html). We don't even understand our own human bodies and we expect these same people to lead billions of people and dollars and handle a nuclear arsenal at the same time and keep their cool? Emperor, what is all this leading up to? What are we to expect from this year? How are you and the rest of the world leaders going to help us? And on top of everything, while me and the rest of the world silently panics, our Wiis knowingly laugh with that evil, blue light. It's too much.

Perhaps I'm just paranoid. Maybe this year will be a good year. No one really knows, anything can happen, perhaps good things. Maybe Detroit's airport will be shut down for a day because everyone felt like dancing. Maybe the Israelis and Palestinians will say "whatever" and stop fighting. Maybe the Wii is just downloading updates to make the games run smoother.

No one can see the future, no one can tell where things will end up. Fuck, we can't even see where our lives will take us in a week much less a whole year. I am a different person than who I was this time last year. We embrace change and deal with what we are given and grow from it, right? What else can we do? We have to stay optimistic and focus on what we can do, not worry about things out of our control. It takes a certain degree of "fuck it" but if it works, it works. So you know what? Bring on your Wiipocalypse, I'll be ready for it. We all will be ready for it. We all will be ready for anything.

You hear that, 2010? Do your worst. We can take it. That's what we do.

I digress.

This letter must be quite unorthodox in comparison to the usual letters a leader must receive. In first grade, my class and I wrote letters to President Clinton. We asked him stock, fluffy bullshit questions like "What's your favorite food?" and "What else did you want to be when you were growing up?" We didn't receive a personal response, only a generic poster with certain facts about him. "Did you know President Clinton plays the saxophone?" Shit like that. I think he said his favorite food was tacos. In retrospect, a vaginal joke could have been made then but
A) the whole Monica Lewinsky thing hadn't even happened yet and
B) I was like five and probably didn't know what a blow job was. The only thing I knew everything about then was Legos. That still might be mostly true today.

So what is your favorite food? Is it pizza? I hope not. If you weren't born into royalty, what would you have wanted to become? An astronaut? A race car driver? A sea monster? I wanted to be an astronaut and still do. It's not going to happen, I'm an english major. Not much of anything may happen with that degree. But one of the few goals I've set in my life is that I want to go to space. I'm dead serious. I'll make it happen somehow. What kind of music do you listen to? I don't know that much about Japanese music or culture for that matter. I have heard of the band Boredoms but something tells me that you don't enjoy them as much as I do.

Anyway, thank you for your time, good luck, and I'll see you somewhere out there in the world.

Sincerely,
Anthony Martino